Month: October 2009

>Hhhhmmmm…..Growing up……

>what exactly is growing up, obviously its not simply an age thing, neither can it be whittled down to knowledge acquisition.

“oohhh grow up” i often hear people say…. or “i think you really need to grow up”…… which one now??? na by force…. if you wanna grow up, grow up but i don’t know about me. I’d rather just stay Peter Panish for as long as i ain’t paying rent….

I have friends who seem to think they’re all grown and i have friends who obviously don’t wanna grow up at all.

Its a wonderful mixture to delve into but it sometimes comes at a price. Loyalties are sometimes questioned while principles could be thrown out the window.

I’m a young adult as society has come to describe me, but at the same time I’m not too far away from those years when i used to careless about tomorrow. Honestly, I’m not making any excuses, those years don’t seem far away at all.

But to tell you the self assumed truth; i think I’ve don little growing up over the past couple of months. I don’t think I’ll be getting more than a hand full of supporters to this assumption but please indulge me.

………………………………To be continued……………………………………..



>There are times when i wonder what its all about and there times when i know what its all about.

I strive to define my purpose in life, whether it be in a relationship or at work, i know one paramount thing, i desire purpose. With out it, the red in my eyes turn blood crimson and i become that which i detest the most, a loosing monster.

But fate has played an important role in my purpose i must admit, lifting the mists of uncertainty and revealing to me an horizon filled with (yeah it sounds cliche); clear possibilities.

While trying to live, i have come across several possibilities of purpose, prying and probing, searching for the one which ultimately embodies my inner desires and drives me to succeed.

Have I found it? Honestly i can’t exactly say i know, i just know that i have purpose where I am right now. Day to day i strive to put in my best to achieve my purpose.

Yet i have to ask myself what is my ultimate purpose, do i have to know that right now? must i have a clear picture of what i am to do before my life reaches its end?
If you will indulge me, can i ask you; what is your purpose?

And how have you defined it?

I just turned 25 a few weeks ago, a month after i got my first full time job, and truth is i had one hell of a time, even though it bore a hole in my pocket i have to admit that it was worth it.
In this quarter century of my life i say to my self that I’m just discovering what i really want in various aspects of my life; relationships, work, fun and family.

I do my best to take a few minutes of the day to reflect and be introspective of my actions, wondering if I still am on the right path.

Where will i be 25 years from now?” i sometimes ask myself….

>What is This Feeling???

>“I’m angry and sad, blown away and lonely. i hate the fact that I feel this vulnerable and its becoming ever more clear that I’m standing in an open range. Some crazed sniper has me in her scope.”

These were the words Possi spoke to me this night as he dragged hard on his B & H… looking dejected. There was that funny look in his eyes that had me wishing he didn’t own a fire arm or have any thing that could cause harm. HE WAS ANGRY.

I don’t know where his story started to unravel but i caught him in the middle of it when the sign were there for all those who knew that what he was getting into was a bad idea. it had me recalling those moments of denial with ‘Tinkerbell’, back in 2006. when i knew too well that we were from different worlds and i could do nothing to stop her from getting married. the relationship was never meant to see the light of day in the first place yet we groomed it in the shade, hoping childishly that it would grow without sunlight.

how wrong we were back then. Me a younglin from the South- west with varying religious beliefs to her North- eastern origins. She was soon uprooted from her intermediate place of comfort and married off. I never gave up for over 6 months, the possibility of seeing her again.

Now Possi’s going through sorta like the same thing…. he’s a broken man now, thinking the fates hate his guts for nothing.

even if she’s older than he is who cares. or she’s been in a relationship with another guy for the past 2 years, who cares. all he knows is that he found someone he thought he could call his, who took his breath away any time he saw her.

She felt the same way towards him, but they both knew it was not meant to be. Even if they both had people they held dear to them, being together felt so irresistible. He barely knew how to take his eyes off her and she could feel his presence from a mile away.

With all this the basics never agreed with their liaison. She was ready to settle but he obviously wasn’t.

How could there be a remedy to this?

With him she felt like a free spirit, unhindered in expression. He gave her a new palette.
He saw too much of what he desired in a woman, a woman he wanted to learn from, grow with….. but his mind would not wander further than that (There were many possibilities but this one was beautiful).

Now the bitter realities came calling, and as he stands in this arena of pain, the spectators are bitterness and emptiness. They stand amongst the crowd laughing and jeering…..

I don’t know if Possi will survive this, i just hope he does.

I sit across the table from him, looking at him with empathy…

I ask the question within me like i were in his shoes…”when I’m with her, i know its wrong, yet why does it feel so right?…..”

What is this feeling???