Month: March 2010

>How much do you want it…….

>For your information, i haven’t answered that question myself…… Was looking through YouTube and stumbled across the title track for the Hip- hop world awards: how much do you want it? Then it hit me… “how much do I want it?” I’ve never pushed that question around in my head, instead i leave my head filled with ideas that I understand what it takes to want, to desire, to strive….. in truth, i might have the knowledge of what it takes, but have I applied it. Have I convinced myself how much I really want it? or its still an idea… an awareness that still hasn’t been pushed into reality…

Its troubling when I look at things in that perspective, because in real time evaluation, I haven”t followed through despite my high expectations…
all I can recall is mediocrity.

Shiiittt!!! I’ve really done it this time.
All this while performances and results have never peaked slightly above average and I have allowed that discontent to marinate within me.

I guess its time to expel this troll of an attitude. To welcome this unicorn that in its rarity is pure perfection.

Why shall i settle for such a thing as this?

In distractions I have found excuses…. piling them on to obstruct my view form the goals I have set.

I alone can save myself. If I can realize all this then what am I waiting for?
I will not compare myself or deem myself better than the one ahead or behind me, instead I will elevate my standards above perfect and strive to become something out of this world.

In everything I do I must become a dominant specie.

Look at yourself and ask… have you realized this as well? Do you feel the weight of sub par performances and results weighing you down?

What do you want to do about it….
How will you go about becoming the best you really are?

To say you are satisfied is not just a quit notice, its a desire to become forgotten…..

Possibly like me you’ve taken the fictitious role of blending in with the back ground yet your soul hungers for something more, you attempt to subdue it insanely but it yearns for a bigger role, refusing to be buried in history’s forgotten chapters, or worse still the appendix that was never written.

Well i say NO!!!

You or me shall not yield. our minds shall not become ceste pits of unexplored possibilities…

I challenge you like i do myself to become a figure and not a statistic…

How much DO do you want it?



>I’m sitting here with a finger in my mouth, wondering…. ” what is happening to me”?

in the past six months what have I been doing to myself that makes me feel this way… I’m not the same person any longer… then yet again, I’ve never been a normal person to begin with.

But making matters worse is my slow deterioration in several aspects. Its no joke and I’m sure I’m making a poor effort at sounding sarcastic. I think about the different decisions I’ve made in the past few months i wonder if I’ve followed my routine natural progression (something tells me I have regressed.

Through it all I only have the experiences that have come with the times.

I want to believe i write these words with no pain or regret. I want to believe I have offended only a few people over the course of this period. I sit here in front of these key boards unable to talk openly about these experiences because I have lived a life in the shadows of near secrecy and silence.

When did I choose to take this part? How could I believe I would find happiness in such indulgence.

When a seed is planted in the total darkness it shall not rise from the earth with a flourish….. it most likely will die, forgotten.

I look at myself and my eyes feel lifeless. I fear I have become so in active I struggle to make an effort not to be mistaken for a furniture. Food has lost its place in my heart as well…. My weight loss could easily be attributed to work but I know the truth.

Where has my happiness gone?
Yes I am unhappy, possibly heading towards a slight bout of depression. But the zeal to live has not left me. I still enjoy the rising of the sun and the smell of dry air.

I will start afresh, that’s what I will do, I have always found renewal in new beginnings….. Yes, the glint in my eyes shall return.

A stronger me shall arise from these ruined shells I am covered in.

Take my word for it….. I’m not going to stay down and give up……I TRULY AM LEGEND…