Month: December 2010

>*insert name*


>Let’s get much more fictional here, from what i’ve gathered some of you guys who read my previous post either don’t take me seriously or have a serious problem with English interpretation. Why would you read the entire body of a post and ignore both the beginning and the end of the same post. ahn! ahn!

I said the post was pure fiction and some of you come up to me and still go..: “what you said is true..” i still haven’t gotten around to owning a firearm yet. Anofia!

Now onto more fictional matters….
I’m sure some of you had house helps when we were young. Most of the time, pretty young girls who seemed busy almost all the time but would still find time to have a go at the gate-man or driver or you yourself. Yes i said it, you.. you looking at this page.
Guys! tell me some of you didn’t lose your virginity to Peace or Ekaette???
Me i lost my own to Ife sha… and no she was not a house help *side eye* …

I’m stressing it now, this is pure fiction so if you want to tell your brain that what you’re reading is real then i pity the thoughts you’ll have of writers like John Grisham and Sir Jeffrey Archer… imbecile like you.

For those of you who did lose your innocence to the female help, imagine running into her about 15 years after that confusing moment of yours (yes it was confusing back then cause a lot of you thought ejaculation was a near death experience and had to watch your first porn to know or realize its something closer to the first bite of a chocolate spread sandwich minus the facial contortion), let’s say you’re in a mall or a public place with your friends looking around at both displayed wares; those behind display glasses and the feminine ones walking by you. Then you notice a lady near by. she’s unaccompanied,in fact she’s the most appealing eye candy you’ve indulged in all day so you decide to try your luck on just this single one.
You muster all the courage Martin Lawrence and Jamie Foxx have impacted on you from watching their not so popular movies and walk over to where she’s standing. As she turns around after noticing you approaching she gives you a confused look and for a split second you can almost swear you’ve seen her before, meanwhile she’s looking at you while a mischievous smile slowly spreads across her face. Before you can mutter those words that could have most likely gotten you a talking down and a mean side eye, she calls you by that name no one outside your immediate family has ever heard (you made sure of that by strategically blackmailing them all). You’re definitely caught off guard, you take a closer look but you still can put 2 & 2 together, how does this chick know one of the most guarded secrets in the developing world….

The first thing you think of is how you’re so going to get back at your sister for giving out state secrets. but then again, you take a closer look at this stranger, she’s the typical mall chic; Brazilian hair and things, light skinned with her ‘bankers’ salary’ priced bag. She’s looking at you mischievously and laughing hard.
Like that’s not bad enough she calls you by your full name and asks about you entire family, if you weren’t taking the entire thing seriously you definitely would right now, the other alternative would be to vamoose.

Second look brings a whiff of recognition, as you’re taken back in time to your then assumed near death experience. How she tricked you with a bottle of malt and a promise that she’d let you have an extra piece of meat for dinner that night.

Your spectrum of reaction starts at surprise through to flushed embarrassment and finally ends at curiosity. how on earth did *insert name* get this hot???

You ask only one question; “where have you been all these years?”
She tells you a Zeb Ejiro like story that’s supposed to touch your heart.
Then she says the words that you’ve been hoping to hear; “we should hook up on Friday”. You exchange BB PINs and horny glances…
You give her a honest and delightful hug which for you means; Thank you for making my work easy.
Your friends can’t wait to hear the story, you can’t wait till Friday.

So guys, its pure fiction, marinate on that…

Deuces!

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>Random… sue me!


>What ever i write here is purely Fiction and i stress the need not to take any of it seriously.
“I STRESS” hm mm… OK oh…
Cause if any one walks up to me and says; “hi, i read your blog and do you mean to tell me that blah blah blah is true?” i swear I’ll make holes on you the average human being doesn’t posses.
OK! i wouldn’t but i swear all what I’m about to write is fiction…. and random, meaning it might not follow a particular order.

Abuja’s peculiarity has gotten me fed up,and I’m considering relocating to Benin or some where more appealing… every social gathering is enveloped in accents so hard to distinguish you wonder if White men are the ones who really invented Phonetics.

The Ladies are the biggest culprits, putting up airs that could match Queen Elizabeth in the presence of the Di La lama.

Oh Brazil and India… what have thou created? The millions of women who deem it fit to grow, cut and send their hair down to a populous black nation have created a festering monster.
Creating a business for the sellers of the expensive commodity and expanding the business for lenders and Shylocks.
I won’t be surprised to encounter a new Bank Product aptly named: ‘WEAVESAVE’.
*sigh*

It is these growers and sellers of human hair that are the real mammy waters, growing hairs longer than cloth lines.
Then you force men like me to handle his lover’s hair like a czar’s Fabregae Egg.
I confess actually helping one lady put up her rollers for the night. Do you know what that marked for me? I wasn’t getting none that night.
Trust i slept on my side, grumbling and cursing myself for being able to apply the rollers so well.
The blue balls and ensuing discomfort kept me company all night while ‘madam’ slept like Pharaoh’s bride; untouched and smiling.

I have always expressed my ineptitude in maneuvering the complex waters of the male/ female relationship topic and I’m sure i swore off talking about the topic several times but alas i cannot avoid it.
Why can’t it be like it used to?
Boy meets girl, girls meets boy,
Boy likes girl, girl likes boy but plays hard to get,
boy expresses his feelings via letter and flowers or an inexpensive present,
girl finds overtures corny but cute,
girl agrees to go out on a couple of dates,
boy breaks piggy bank to pay for dinner,
girl stops playing hard to get and starts to call boy baby,
boy and girl become a couple.

but that isn’t the case in this parts any more, instead it has now become;

boy meets girl wearing Brazilian hair with gucci bag,
boy dodges cause he’s wearing pam slippers and plain white T-shirt,
but boy likes girl,
boy decides to go hang out at the usual spot girl normally hangs out,
boy makes sure he has broken piggy bank and borrowed more than half his salary,

NB. boy has not yet met girl and girl does not know boy exists,

boy show’s up in his best outfit for the occasion and ‘mistakenly bumps into girl'(sometimes via twitter),
girl barely notices boy but can see boy’s Blackberry Torch,
boy introduces self and starts small talk that mainly involves houses, cars and designer clothing,
boy asks girl out on a date and they exchange BB pins,
girl agrees and runs off to meet up with her maga for the day,

NB. see how long this actual process is?!

boy and girl start exchanging messages and even the phonetics can’t be avoided in text format (serizly),
boy and girl agree to meet up for lunch/ dinner then after drinks at a ‘classy’ bar,
boy takes girl to the place his father can’t afford and buys drinks that cost what he and his guys would spend for a 2 day weekend,
then girl starts to like boys wallet,
boy doesn’t know its only when he wants to pay the bills that girl actually smiles,
……
people at this point i haf tire…

you all know where this story will lead to now; al a: boy broke, girl bails.

Wonder how our children will see things in their own time.

And i’d like to clarify, is pink a feminine color? Cause these days it seems guys are color jacking so bad its like gender discrimination.
I’ll not go too deep into that though, so as not to polarize things further than they already are.

What with all the weddings these days? or is there a bonanza going on about 2010 that i missed? ‘Get married in 2010 and stand the chance to get twins or something’ *shrug*

Like i said, don’t take any thing i said here in the real context oh…. if you walk up to me and ask me about this… hmmm…
Just Read the damn thing and forget me.

Deuces!

>A series of Unfortunate/ Fortunate events… you tell me…


>Its totally explainable that I’m updating my blog after a long break, but trust me, if I’m given enough time to squeeze my brain of all the juice its soaked from the past couple of weeks, you’ll have a great story to go home with.

I really am trying really hard to come up with how it all happened so fast.. cause I’m still yet to figure things out my self till now.

The previous week i was flying high, on top of everything, making deadlines and all, then all of a sudden I’d become the slacker, the one who never gets anything right. I even got careless with my belongings to booth.

At a point i confided in Mr. Capable and Mystery about the whole situation, wondering why so many things were beginning to befall me all at the same time.

It all started on a good note funny enough, 2 weeks ago. I left the house on Saturday after doing a bit of work at the office, with the intention of hooking up with the boys at Stadia to watch the United game (yep! Manchester United fan, bite me). Got there on time and it turned out to be our best performance of the season so far, with Berbartov grabbing 5 goals. I was ecstatic obviously and was still settling down to watch the next game when i got a call from Chairman, he accused me of trying to burn down the entire house. I immediately left the guys and rushed back home, wondering what could have possibly gone wrong… On walking in i smelt burnt wire.
This was surely not going to be good so i hurried into my room.
The lights had been cut out from the distribution box so maama followed me in with a flash light. The corridor seemed fine and there were no signs that anything had gone wrong so i turned my attention to the toilet… i didn’t like what i saw, despite the fact that it was dark i could see and smell the smoke, the heater was blackened as well as half of the bath tub, to make matters worse the white half of the wall tiles were also black from smoke. The suspended ceiling tiles were not spared either. I stood there in shock. For a couple of minutes i was still trying to figure out if i had walked into the right room. Everything seemed out of place.
I definitely had a shouting match with Chairman before i called/BBMed the rest of the guys telling them what had happened. My night was over.

I spent the better part of Sunday scrubbing the entire bathroom and toilet from ceiling to floor. I definitely wasn’t happy.
Chairman pinned it all on me, saying if i had remembered to switch off the water heater the fire would never have happened. That left me perplexed, i mean how could a water heater with a functioning thermostat burn up just like that.

It took the maintenance guys 4 days to detect and fix the problem, and it definitely wasn’t from me. Chairman has not apologized till this very day.

Monday morning, myself and Mr. Capable went text book shopping, but we had to make a little detour around CITEC estate to purchase some flowers for the house. I had parked the car about 20 meters from where the flowers where sold and had just made my purchase when i noticed a couple of guys walking towards the car. I was getting in when i either instinctively or by divine intervention locked the car doors immediately. Within a split second of that singular action, i found the same suspicious guys on both sides of the car trying to open both doors. they kept on pointing down wards like i had dropped something. knowing i obviously had not, i jumped to the next conclusion; this was an attempted car jacking and i had very little time. I sped away like an F1 driver with no destination. Mr. Capable who had no idea whatsoever what was going on had to calm me down, i parked the car after a few minutes of driving, i was visibly shaken and not in the proper frame of mind to drive any further so Mr. Capable drove us back home.

The funny thing is in between these incidences, i had misplaced my ATM card on Sunday.

I couldn’t understand what was going on anymore, within such a short space of time i had gone through all this and i wasn’t going to settle for such an explanation as ‘pure coincidence’.

By the end of the week, the car couldn’t down shift from gear 4 to 3.That did it for me, i had to figure this out. at some point i tweeted: “i think its a woman”. That’s when i knew i was getting paranoid.

I gave myself a day to reflect on things without taking any drastic action and soon enough, things came to light. The car jacking was a close shave, the fire in my toilet was an external electrical fault and my ATM card was recovered although it was after i had it De- activated.

One obvious thing these events taught is; ‘I’m very much human’.

Every thing’s been fixed now though but i assure that lessons have been learnt. What i went through might be child’s play compared to what others have faced, but i still am trying to figure this one out though…

Deuces!

>Remembering Her…


>… It’s been 7 years now…..
It was evening already, Mr. Capable, lil mama and I where all moody.
It was as if we mutually agreed that times like this required we stayed holed up in Mumsie’s room, quietly, just watching TV, while we waited for the cook to make dinner. It was almost a year since the divorce and we still were trying to take it all in.
On this particular moody day, we just sat in her room watching Channel ‘O’ and the next song that came up was Boys to Men’s ‘A song for mama’. Half way through we had a cell phone in hand singing into the tiny receiver, obviously it was mumsie on the other side. She could barely stop herself from giggling. By the time we were done singing, we took turns in telling her how much we loved and missed her.
…..It’s been about 13 years now…….
I was still in secondary school and we were having one of our unnecessary anniversaries. The whole school was gathered on the assembly ground and I was amongst my class mates just standing under a canopy waiting for the event to end so I could head back to class (I probably had a comic book I so badly wanted to finish), all of a sudden my cousin walks appears, with Mr. Capable nearby she goes right towards him and gives him a hug. I stand there watching them, but right behind her I see my mum walk into the crowd too. Immediately someone to my right asks; “is that your sister”. I give him an incredulous look and before I can reply my friend to my left answers for me; “that’s his mum”.
Despite all this, all that mattered to me was when I heard her say; “where is Teniola?”
She did this after she bobbed her head about while sharing a joke with Mr. Capable and my cousin Bukky. She had a short cropped hair fixed and she looked so beautiful in a lemon and dark green dress with sleeves.

Most of you who don’t know me personally might be wondering what I’m going on about, but for those who do, this being the 1st of December, you’ll recall that it was 6 years ago on the 2nd of December that mum passed away.
I have uncountable memories I’d love to share about her with you guys, but for the past few hours these are the two that have been popping into my head.
It’s no understatement when I say I miss her so much. Life without her is definitely not the same. But like I always say, I have people around me who in their own ways manifest parts of her that I miss so much.
So despite her not being physically present, I still cherish these memories that come to me as well as my siblings who unknown to them posses attributes they inherited from her.
Thursday it is then, six years gone by. I’ll most likely be doing what I’ve done every 2nd of December, for the past 5 years. Celebrate the life of Miss. Omotoke Adebayo.
Deuces!