Month: July 2011

How Important I think Education is (Day 9)


*Looks around menacingly*

I hate all of you. Seriously.
I’ve been locked away for so long and no one even bothered to look for me. What if I was mindnapped or something. You know these things happen.
So much for friends and fans, notwithstanding, I finally managed to convince griffin to let me put up another post.
You see, he’s been ill(Dick-wad went hard on some illegal chow and caught the nastiest bug) and busy with some work.

Me? I’ve just been lounging. Planning for the next three broads I’m going to attempt to do the nastiest things with. I prefer to plan my escapades in 3s cause I can’t trust griffin to leave me to my own devices long enough. So I simply mark three out, set my designs on them and hit them in rapid succession, bam! bam! bam!. Works every time and you know the popular saying; ‘Good things come in threes’.

Sometimes I can’t help breaking out into bouts of laughter when I recall some of the nasty things I’ve done. Like getting head while helping myself to some Chinese delicacy. That was some crazy ass shit you know. Savoring the spicy Ramen and soup while she fed off my Mcfly. It definitely wasn’t easy focusing on the chow while that happened. Chick was a good headmistress and I sure wasn’t going to miss the ‘key points’ she was dishing out down there.
Now some of you might say ‘that’s just nasty’, but check this out; She was the one who suggested we have dinner.
As ignorant as I was, I went for the Chines while she went for my Mcfly, I couldn’t complain and I’m sure she had no qualms, especially when I balanced the plate on her expensive weave.

Got a degree in Sucking and Kissing

Now you wonder why I’m talking about this here when I should be explaining to your boring asses what education means to me, well the story has only been half told…..

After that exquisite dinner, chick tells me to close my eyes. I begrudgingly oblige. She tiptoes into the bathroom, naked. About 10mins into this eyes- closing exercise, I hear her coming out of the bathroom, she still insists my eyes are kept closed but I try to steal a peek, she’s faster than me, fast enough to hit the light switch before my curiosity is satisfied. She eventually stands right in front of the bed and tells me to open my eyes, what is before me is surprising. She’s wearing a cat suit, a knitted cat suit, she’s all made up, her light skin against the black of the cat suit.

*This is not an Erotica, if you can be a bit fucking patient, I’ll get to the main reason for this post*

There’s a 7 foot lamp-post in the room, she goes for it and starts dancing all over the thing. Mcfly’s going bonkers, telling me to get closer so he can feel the texture of the suit (like i believe his lying cap).

She does this entire sexy dance routine all around the lamp-post (I assume she would have done a better job with a stripper pole), then proceeds to the dresser, I’m thinking of how I’m going to rip the damn suit off and show her how deep i can go so I try to get closer, she stops me, insists I have to watch this whole routine for 15mins.

Beyonce sure got a Cat suit shopping Diploma

Guantanamo Bay torture tactics were likely to be a better option compared to this.
I barely last 6mins before going in for the kill, searching for the zipper/button on the back, side and front of the suit. She doesn’t resist, instead, her body invites me.
I reach for the sides of the suit, meanwhile Mcfly’s prodding in-between her thighs and soon finds something interesting; There’s an inviting opening down there. Dude wastes no time digging in……

Now the scene I just described is quite interesting isn’t it. Well, Education plays a vital role here.

When I mean ‘Education’, I’m not strictly talking about Degrees and Diplomas. I’m talking about the constant need to gain knowledge and become aware of a particular topic or various subject matters.
See, Chick without acquiring knowledge in key areas like; pole dancing, memorizing the address to that sex shop wouldn’t have been able to give me such a trip.
Her damn sexy education gave her the tools and informed her of the necessary places to go searching for her suit, probably informed her on the right porn to watch sef.

On the other hand, a non- educated broad would probably have eaten my Ramen with me (shortening my ration), then proceed to make out in the most boring manner, feign a few moans and lie flat beneath me while Mcfly tried to do his best impression of Chevron digging for oil in never land.

Every girl has a freak inside her, but not every girl is willing to get the necessary education needed to get that BSc/MSc in Freak-a-nomics.

I encourage all women to do so, getting such an education will impact positively in your sex lives. It definitely made a great difference in this particular chick’s life; I kept her around far longer than I usually would.

Hope I was a good boy today though.

See you guys tomorrow.

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What I ate today (Day8)


The more I read these topics the more I’m certain I’m going to change about half of them. They seem more certain to destroy what is left of my writing career than improve it.

‘What I ate today’ is so far the lamest topic so far and I thought yesterday’s own was bad.

No seriously, this post will be short. Here, I’ll show you;

I had sweet potato and Kidney sauce today.

Okay guys, catch you again tomorrow.

Five Pet Peeves (Day 7)


eheheheheheh….. YOu guys thought I was going to let today slip by did you?

Well that’s not happening. Truth is, I’ve been busy for the past couple of days then there was last night. Wow! After the last post about my views on mainstream music I found myself later in the day hanging with my boys; @slevincalevra , @odumah , @nuelzgatgame & Franky Sushey. We started talking about the post and soon the conversation narrowed down to hip hop of the 90s and early 2000s. We covered as much as we could from Craig Mack to 50cents. The discussion was exhaustive and interesting, conclusion was, hip hop isn’t what it is like to what we had back in the day. *shrug* well, that’s subject for another day.

I caught a bug today and it’s not been easy for me. I’m almost completely drained of bodily fluids and too scared to eat anything (I will survive), hence the putting up of this post at the 11th hour.
I’ll make it short unfortunately (doubt too many people will see this).

My Five pet peeves;

– Spitting and Grunting around me: You know that sound a lot of people make before spitting out saliva or phlegm.That grunting grotesque sound people make, it drives me nuts. It wasn’t so much of a big deal when i lived in Lagos cause i probably heard and saw the act maybe, say once every month so it really didn’t disturb me but moving to Abuja and most especially Schooling up north changed it all for me, it virtually became common place. It can literally drive me mad when someone does it around me worse still if a person I know does it.

– An over loaded plate of food: yes, I’m a guy and we’re supposed to have healthy appetites and all but I’d prefer second helpings than making yourself look like you’re both pregnant and hollow in your gut. What’s the idea of loading up your plate? Yes we are aware you have the natural talents of a garbage dispenser but at least spare me the site of a miniature mount Fuji. a moderate first serving followed by smaller seconds or thirds or fourths is preferable. I think this is a sub at my older brother.

– Midnight Calls: Unbelievable right, but its true. I honestly can’t tolerate midnight calls anymore. I confess I was a chief beneficiary of this facility during its early inception, but the after effects proved a far too steep price to pay, I remember when one of my criteria for getting involved with a chick was her first 5 digits; if I heard anything other than 0803 or 0703, that was the end. I consider midnight calls equivalent to spending time with a chick and your only reward after several hours is blue balls. I wish MTN would scrap the damn thing; i meant blue balls.

– Lingering around Large Vehicles: As far back as I can remember anything, I’ve always had a thing against Large Vehicles such as tippers and Lorries. I recall how simply being stuck in traffic in Lagos and pulling up beside a trailer would get me upset. There’s always been something about them, maybe its the sound they make or simply their appearance, I simply cannot stand them

-Noisy Generators: This also is something I’ve had ever since I was a kid. I get uncomfortable around noisy generating sets. It was so bad as a kid that I’d scamper into the living room while my dad and my uncles tried to put on our old-fashioned YAMAHA generator in the veranda back then.

Still not feeling too good right now. Will try to turn in tomorrow’s post much earlier than this.

Later guys.

My Views on Mainstream Music (Day6)


Mainstream music? Wonder what it comprises of… *now googling* aaaaahhh… now I understand it to an extent.

Bear with me because I fear this might be short.
I’m not too much of a talker when it comes to music cause quite honestly, I don’t dabble in stuff I’m not overly familiar with.
I appreciate music on the occasion. If I was to pack for a weekend trip or some sort, you’d be wiser to bet that I would be holding a magazine or a novel than an iPod, In fact, I would rather not carry the two at the same time.
To me it just doesn’t make sense. My ears are annoyingly sensitive (what am I saying, what part of my body isn’t) so ear phones plugged in wouldn’t last more than an hour, tops. An attempt beyond that time frame would leave me with throbbing ear drums accompanied by some sort of residual sonic hum that can almost drive me nuts.
I’m more of a reader and a watcher but I digress.

Western Mainstream music to me is ever-changing and forever becoming ridiculous…wait a minute, it has always been ridiculous. What stays constant has always been the catchy beats and the easily memorized choruses, anything else has been involved in a downward spiral towards monosyllabic drivel.

I’m not saying I don’t listen to such Music, truth is some of my favorite songs can be categorized as mainstream music; eg. ‘Stacy’s Mum’ by Fountains of Wayne. Can you imagine this song actually won a Grammy? I’m still in shock. Fountains of Wayne probably achieved success mainly in the states. What about a song that garnered a huge following on both sides of the pond, like All American Rejects’ ‘Gives you Hell'(another one of my personal favorites). What exactly is this song about. Someone singing about how his life is so sweet, it makes someone else’ life miserable. ??? They should have given the damned thing to 50cents.

Which brings me to Hip hop. Music I’m sure most of you are familiar with. In Nigeria, there are the handful of people who call themselves Hip hop heads, then there are folks like me who listen to the beat and scream out; “this track is banging!!!”

We’ll probably never pay attention to the lyrics/rap until maybe after the 34th listen, and even at that, it comes in bits and pieces.
Me personally, I have a bias. If you’re not Jay-Z, sorry.
I am an unapologetic Jigga fan. I used to scream Nas back when I was younger but when life began to get real for me, when I started to identify more and more with the word ‘Hustle’, Jigga became my beacon (yimu at all you Illuminati theorists). Nas was just too idealistic. Not like I still don’t listen to him, he just doesn’t move me like Jigga does. Jigga makes you think of the hustle but dangles the rewards right in front of you so you’ll always know what exactly the prize is. He makes the hustle seem like its going to be fun, encourages you to brag about it, reminds you about where you’re coming from and he sells records while doing all of this. Call me fickle, I won’t argue.

Black Africa identifies with Hip hop, R & B, Reggae and Dance-hall, Souk, Jazz, Makosa, High-life, etc. These forms of music emphasize our diversity and shows the depths of our individual traditional roots. It above all proves that the power of sound is not limited to just one set of individuals, cultures, race or class.

Nigerian Mainstream music is therefore one that can’t be easily categorized. It is ever-changing and yet not restricted by the diverse tongues spoken within her borders.
Sometime ago it was Wizkid’s ‘Hola at your boy’, then came ‘Oleku’ by Ice prince and who can tell me they’re not feeling Duncan Mighty’s ‘Port Harcourt first son’. Can anyone specifically point to more than one of these songs being hip hop?
In my opinion, Nigerian Mainstream Music is still evolving, it hasn’t found its true form yet, therefore, its easy for a lot of people to hug the spot light for a period of time and I’m not denying the artist of their due credit, for a fact they have earned my utmost respect for being able to thrive in such a disorganized and fast growing industry.

New School???

There are still those who try to present their material in the western format. The results have varied and lessons are still being learned.

Maybe one day, Nigerian Mainstream Music will have a sound that can be recognized anywhere in the world, I suspect that day is fast approaching though.

See you guys again tomorrow.

Its your boy; Griffin.

Things I want to Say to my Ex (Day 5)


As i pick this cheap Pen from my basket of beef

I told you all this was going to be a cake walk didn’t I? That gutless idiot didn’t even believe me. I’m a go getter, i hate to sit and watch things go past me, when i want something, i get it. I don’t care what ever or who ever is in my way. If you are, you just might get hurt.
Yesterday made it 100 blog post so far, and i can remember when me and griffin started this whole operation over at blogspot. we were just writing it for fun, i sure still hope its fun though cause anything other than that doesn’t and shouldn’t have my name on it.

Now I’m beginning to sound too serious.. *spits*

Wow! today’s topic is sure going to ruffle a few feathers but who gives a flying donkey’s ass. I’m terrible at being courteous or discreet. It’s just not my style.

Only problem with this post is, I’m not the one with the Exes, griffin is. I’m so not into commitments, as in i dislike the whole business. I see things as projects, the moment i get bored or my work is done, i walk away. No sentiments, no attachments. It’s never a long-term thing for me. If you attempt to tie me down to something, you’ll find out you’re holding on to under wear. Yes, I can be a pant a lot of times.
griffin’s the one who does all that emotional stuff that gets the girls all feeling lovey dovey. Me, I just LIE. yes, i Lie to get into the chick’s pants then when I’m done, I think of the best way to put the chick to pasture…let her mope around until she finds someone else. Yeah, call me dirty, it never really gets to me much.
Yes, I give men a bad name, yes I’m a sleazy slime ball with a the brain the size of a tennis ball. But what you won’t say is, I’m the guy you girls prefer, I’m the guy who tells the lies you all want to hear, the one who let’s you live your dirty fantasies making griffin no fun.
You have one word for the clueless sod; ‘NICE’. He’s the nice guy. Who get’s used, played, lied to and eventually dumped. He’s a sorry case I tell you and one I don’t feel any pity for.

Don’t make the mistake and think its because of his past experiences he created me. oh no…on the contrary, I created him, I made him love-able, I made him nice, I made him honest but I’m not and never will be him. I AM JOHNNY SUSHEY, remember that.

So I’ll use this post to write down things i want to say to griffin’s Exes. Stuff the dumb fruit never had the balls to say, I’ll take this opportunity to put it out there.

I’m not going to go through them in an orderly manner and neither am I going to put up names(I’ll list them by striking features), for the sake of griffin’s more reserved reputation:

-1 Miss. Bobo: You are the best liar in the whole world. I swear. You can beat a lie detector test even while you’re drunk. He saw through your lies he just didn’t want the extra drama and lord! you sure had drama *sigh*.

-2 Miss. I’m a model: Okay, because you’re 6feet tall, height automatically qualifies you as a model(keep dreaming). unfortunately, the only thing griffin liked about you were your boobies. I don’t know if the 3 months interval you guys spent apart had you doing some ‘reproductive’ dairy work, but the breast size increase made you so endearing. Now you’re forming Abuja big girl. God bless your hustle oh…

-3 Miss. Fish out of water: *clears throat* I claim responsibility for this one, yes me, Johnny. I confess, I slept with all your roommates that year. It’s not my fault now, I was on a roll. griffin was slacking and the signs were bothering on the extremes of green light. You probably hate me till today but trust me, griffin didn’t do it all. I would have had your younger sister if I stayed in town a bit longer. griffin didn’t like you enough honestly. Your relationship was just for convenience and i suspect you knew as well.

If by the 4th one griffin’s phone hasn’t started ringing I’ll be surprised….

-4 My Neighbor: You cheated on griffin and when he asked you why, you simply said it was because he couldn’t handle you and felt he was too sensitive. I heard you mentioned to a mutual friend how much you missed griffin, well, he doesn’t miss you one bit. Have a good life. Hope that hideous smile of yours becomes more than a permanent fixture.

Yes, four different Exes were mentioned in one single post. If you’re an ex reading this and nothing is referred to you, then its one of two things, you’re either on my good side or you’re not even close to the top of the charts. sorry ehn…..

Satisfaction & relief

Let me copy that short Energizer bunny called @sheriphskills and issue a disclaimer;

NO PANTIES, BRAS, CONDOMS,LUBRICANTS, PREGNANCY TEST KITS AND TEDDY BEARS WERE HURT IN MAKING THIS BLOG POST.
IF THE POST SEEMS OFFENSIVE TO YOU, THEN YOU’RE EITHER A VIRGIN OR SIMPLY HORMONALLY IMBALANCED, HENCE YOU NEED TO GO FIND A MEDICAL BLOG AND QUIT STARING AT MINE.

THANK YOU.

Bullet My Day (Day 4)


Well, well, well, so you all turned out to be a loyal bunch… *leer at everyone*. After all the calls for me to stay instead of griffin, i see you all still fed off him for the past two days that I was gone.

I won’t lie, yesterday pained me. I was looking forward to schooling something about chicks with a great source material. ‘The Game’ is a great book you dudes looking to pick up chicks at bars need to have. All this walking into Play wearing Toms and your skinny trousers aint going to get you all anywhere. Most of you guys don’t know anything about opening a set, number closing or negging.

But i would have gladly talked about all that yesterday, instead griffin bored you all with talk about ‘The Count of Monte Cristo’.
*pause*
*
*
*
*
I hope you all like the post! Dim wits!

Here I am now, left with crumbs.
Who bullets his day on a Sunday?
As in, it makes matters worse if you didn’t go to church like me.
What was my day like in Bullet format?

Sure, let me oblige you ass wipes, my day is made up of whatever i write within the following quotation marks; “…………………………………………………………………………”

Wonder what Uchiha Itachi would be doing on a day like this

there, that’s what my day was like.

Okay, maybe i did a little thinking, daydreaming and fantasy role-playing. You know, the one involving me and Miss. Hot-body Fine face.
Who is she? How the fuck should I know?! Use your damn imagination.

Well, on the side note i still managed to make out with a chick at Ketchup, twice, without griffin getting in the way (that’s why i can stand the guy sometimes, he’s given me all the balls).
And yes, He’s agreed to let me put up tomorrow’s post.
*rubbing palms together with glee*
See you guys tomorrow jor, I’m going to watch ‘The Lincoln Lawyer’

Damn! why didn’t I bullet that.

A Book I Love (Day 3)


Ok, I know this is coming way too late in the day but please bear with me. Thing is me and Johnny were having a long running battle through out today about who was going to put up today’s post. see, we have differing views about the book we love. My own favourite book is ‘The count of Monte Cristo’ by Alexander Dumas, while Johnny’s is ‘The Game’ by Neil Strauss.

Anyone with a good idea about these two books would testify that they’re both great works of literature, they both tell compelling stories that make sure you find it hard to put the book down. Well, I’m not going to go against the grain this time. I’ll stick to the program and shut Johnny out of this and talk about the book ‘I’ love.

Alexander Dumas is the famous French author who also penned ‘the three musketeers’, his father was a famous French Royalist who refused to join in the French Revolution but still wasn’t fully in support of the Royal family so it could be said that Dumas had a good idea of the French Royal
family at the time.

The count of Monte Cristo tells a story of Edmond Dantes, a man wrongfully accused of a crime he knew nothing of. It is more unfortunate that he is imprisoned on the eve of his marriage to his love, Mercedes.
He goes on to spend the next 14years of his life in an isolated prison where he eventually befriends a strange but knowledgeable man called Abbe Frair. The Abbe goes on to impact his vast knowledge of the world upon Edmond, teaching him the ways and politics of the royal courts and wisdom procured from distant lands.

Edmond proves to be an ardent student but tragedy strikes when the Abbe passes on but not before revealing the location of a vast treasure. Edmond uses the Abbe’s death as a chance to escape taking, the place of the Abbe’s corpse.

Edmond discovers the treasure upon escaping and proceeds to use his new found wealth to plot revenge against those responsible for his imprisonment.

What follows is an engrossing tale of greed, treachery, love and overlapping plots.

Edmond goes up against people who he once called friends and also new foes.
Dumas takes us back in time into the highest level of French aristocracy, names such as Villerfort, Danglers and Du’ Morcef are imprinted upon your memory as you wade through the intricate world of Parisian high society by Edmond now re-introduced as the title named ‘The Count of Monte Cristo’.

I’m sure a lot of you are familiar with the movie interpretation which starred Guy Pierce and James Caviazel but trust me, the actual novel contains so much more to appreciate.

Edmond’s quest for revenge quickly turns into a tale of self redemption as well as his attempts to see the goodness within the hearts of his enemies, but Karma proves an unkind mistress, punishing all who par took in his incarceration.

Dumas is probably more familiar in French literary circles but those who undertook the tasking job of interpreting his work into English literature must be commended. The book surely shaped my writing style and I am forever grateful for such a piece of work.

I encourage you all to pick up this book and patiently read (it is actually a voluminous body of work).

Maybe next time when a chance arises, Johnny will tell you all about Neil Stauss’ ‘The Game’ .

I’m having drinks with friends right now but I knew I just had to put this up cause I really want to go through with this 30 day challenge.
See you all again tomorrow.