Month: March 2012


Many parts of this short piece resonate with me.

sazzy's spasms

Can I talk my shit again,
Pardon my language, I guess I’m off my meds again
I’m about to let go of some rage and cause some pain
But the truth must be said cos’ lies are dirty like stain
I’m tired of seeing shit done just for the fame
And when you do things from the heart, they call you lame
Its like people change their name as well as their Identity
They’re thinking the money will put and end to their misery
They want to be big now, but I want to go down in history
The mystery to me is how success is measured by our greed
Selling our souls for what we want and not caring about what we need
This seed is growing into an immovable tree
We claim to not be slaves, but we sure aren’t free
Do things for the right reasons and…

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IT STARTS WITH YOU.


 Hello guys,
I’ve got something thoughtful to share with you all today.
In as much as I try to keep you guys a bit entertained and smiling, there’s no denial that reminding ourselves every now and then of the real issues we face in our society is essential in staying grounded.
In order to achieve that, a very good friend of mine; Motolani Oyawoye (@Lanisays) came up with a brilliant idea, she starts it off with the post below.
 
I encourage you all to read and give it some thought. Most of you might have seen or experienced similar thoughts and situations, some of you might not have approached the situation the same way but the fact is clear, our society is rapidly crumbling/deteriorating and the sooner we do something about it, the better.
 
Enjoy…..
 
Do you see a bright future for Nigeria? Do you think things will get better? One day, people will be able to live reasonably well on an income that doesn’t equate to a Western kid’s weekly allowance?
 
Well…IT AIN’T HAPPENING!
 
Yeah I said it. It ain’t happening.
 
I used to think it could happen. A looooong time ago, I thought I would see a better, fairer society in my lifetime. After the fuel subsidy brouhaha, I toned my optimism down to perhaps my grandchildrens’ (or nearest familial equivalent’s) lifetime.
 
This morning, I got a wake-up call. It will NEVER happen. Nigeria will continue to go downhill, with the rich eventually eating wads of Naira because there’s nothing else to do with it and the poor literally not eating because if the neighbors find out they have garri they will be robbed.
 
‘Why, what brought about this ill-feeling?’, you might ask (or you might not ask, you might be thinking ‘you know you’re gonna tell me, so just effin’ tell me *rme*’).
 
So I had to get dropped off at work, right, and there was no fuel at all in the car, so we decided to try our luck and queue for petrol. After not getting anywhere with the first attempt (we were on the wrong queue, there was only one pump working, they ran out of petrol, yada yada yada), we decided to go elsewhere.
 
At the second station, there was a bit of a queue but it was moving reasonably. To ensure it was just not a waste of time, I decided to enter the station and ‘observe’.
 
While I was ‘observing’, I ‘observed’ three cars enter the station from the exit and manoeuvre their way into the queue. Since they didn’t manoeuvre into my queue, and the people they manoeuvred in front of were even creating space for them, I kept quiet. With my mouth. If looks could kill, by noon I would have been on death row.

One of them kept smiling at me, and I kept shooting poisoned nails into his spleen. Eventually, he came up to me and said ‘Aunty, we no try?’

 
Pause. Should I answer him? ‘No, you no too try o.’ Try to make him see the error of his ways? Tell him what he did was not proper? Ask him if he thought the rest of us on the queue were stupid? Nah, no point. I knew it would get heated up and lose composure and start a fight. Which wouldn’t have been too bad. Except that when I fight with strangers, I have no good comebacks and I end up getting royally insulted. I often cry too.
 
Besides, I wasn’t brought up like that *pops collar*.
 
So I just looked away. After shuffling his feet in front of me for about a minute, he left.
 
What happened this morning proved the saying, ‘Rulers are only as good as the people they rule.’ No, that’s not it…
 
*Frantic googling* Ah ha!
 
‘Every country has the government it deserves’ – Joseph de Maistre, Lettres et Opuscules Inédits (1851).
 
Ask yourself what Mr LMFAO would do if he was a local government chairman or a senator or a minister. If he can’t respect his fellow Nigerians when they are peers, is it at that time he will know what’s right?
 
The fault is not with our leaders, it is with us. We don’t talk because deep down we know we would do the same if we got the chance. Shunting queues, moving millions, same shit, only the scale of unfairness changes.
 
Our government will not get better until we get better. Unless and until we can genuinely be on the moral high ground, things will never change. I’m about to go cliché here, and I effin’ hate clichés, but…
 
A change in Nigeria can come from your hands. If we all do what’s right, God will have mercy on us all. Eventually, someone that has our progress as his only agenda will be sitting in the Villa.
 
Obey traffic rules, be courteous in all your endeavors, do your work as best as you can, oppose corruption at every opportunity. And for God’s sake, don’t shunt petrol queues!
 
It starts with YOU!

Picture courtesy: leadership.ng

Critique: 21st Century Villains


As odd as it sounds I’m still undergoing a lengthy embargo placed on me by Griffin, I’ve only been allowed this once due to a special dispensation. Apparently I’m to blame for all the misdeeds that purportedly occurred on ‘Griffin’s Synapses’. What rubbish! That’s all the appreciation I get for trying to breathe life into a dying blog.
After all my hard work?
That kid really has it coming.
Well, ranting about that isn’t why I’m here.
I’m actually here to talk about other pressing issues, very important for a fact.
You see, being Johnny Sushey is not an easy thing, it comes with a reputation and I have to maintain it. Not just sit back and relax expecting things to happen. I have to create the activity within which my persona exists. This is why my reputation as an immortal and a sushey is impeccable, #TrueStory.
But one thing that bugs me is the villains/bad guys of today. You see, an out and out bad person is difficult to come by these days. Guys that make the whole world sit up and listen.
Osama bin Laden.
Ghadaffi.
Carlos the Jackal.
*Shina Rambo.
Saddam Hussein.
Noriega.
Pablo Escobar

The Boss of Medellin Cartel; Pablo Escobar.

*-Notice how I quietly put that one in.
These guys made things happen to various degrees and a lot of people were disturbed/uncomfortable about their activities.
But now things have gone south regarding bad guys.
Names don’t fit and personas are just not….bad guy enough for me.
Last week I was listening to the news on the radio about some militant who killed members of a JTF group, it sounded like news….. It was news. Then the newscaster mentions the name of the militant who led the attack: ‘Mammy Water’. I spat out N4, 000 worth of Louise XIII.

You usually don't spill such if you're not Blue Ivy's father.

Unbelievable!
First it was ‘Ateke Tom’, then’ Tompolo’ with his weird sense of dressing and now it’s ‘mammy water’.
I kept on trying to figure out why. Did the man have fins or a more specific attachment to water beyond the immediate surroundings within which he was born in? Maybe it skipped me but by my estimation, that name crossed the ‘Metro- Sexual’ line after Ariel and Sebastian sang ‘Under the sea’.
What are these fellas trying to prove? That they are in touch with their feminine sides while wielding AK47s and Rocket propelled grenade launchers?
How would it look like when you’re trying to make a potentially classic one liner; “I’m mammy water and we’re never backing down!” while looking as fearsome as possible?

How 'Kony' can a villain be???

That’s like a ‘Splash/Max Rider’ concoction or more aptly, ‘Grease’ on steroids Mash up that’ll never work.
Or how am I supposed to take a terrorist who calls himself ‘Abu Qaqa’ seriously? Seriously! Only way would be him being strapped with C4 while he held on to my wrist.
That’s if he’s not singing ‘Chori Chori’.

Ateke Tom

Now there’s the guy the whole of America is trying to get famous; Joseph Kony. Talk about the cheesiest names to ever exist.
How the hell are you going to scare kids with a man named ‘Kony’?
Look, if you’re a bad guy post World War II era and your name hasn’t been picked up by an urban rapper; famous or upcoming, you haven’t crossed that immortalized threshold my friend.
Now with names like these how the hell is any one going to do that.
Rappers have taken up such names as ‘Castro’, ‘Noriega’, ‘Capone’, ‘Siegel’, ‘Hussein’, and ‘Escobar’. Some kid here in Nigeria already took up ‘Shina Rambo’ (proof that I’m not at all far from the truth).
Can’t imagine a rap act assuming the stage name ‘Jomo Gbomo’ or ‘Boy Loaf’.
Maybe Villains need to refer to Hollywood or Bollywood.
I know for a fact that the name ‘Mogambo’ hasn’t been used since around 1977. Now would be a perfect time for some bad guy to pick it up (Before waka flocka flame discovers it).

*stares into emptiness while eyes become watery* oh! I hate the dust in this room…of course I’m not crying.
I’m not impressed.
Bad guys have to be more creative.
A name has to say a lot about its bearer and if I was to encounter a bad guy called ‘mammy water’, I’d be in trouble definitely.
This is an appeal to all villains and bad guys. If you can’t be creative, stick to your mother’s maiden name, that way at least your fathers would be scared shitless.

Closest thing to a militant named mammy water 😦

Pictures courtesy: Solomonakugizibwe.blogspot.com , time.com, nairaland.com, africa-confidential.com, teleburst.wordpress.com

Invasion: Bearing Gifts Style


I’ve always wondered what an actual alien invasion would feel like if it actually happened to us right now. Especially with our over exposure to countless interpretations of what an Invasion would look or feel like. The hovering ships over tall skylines, the blue beams of light, the little green/ grey men (well, now most of Hollywood’s interpretation puts them in exoskeleton suits), then there are the popular phrases; “we come in peace.” before they shoot off vaporizing beams of laser or “take me to your leader.” (I wonder when they’ll ever do enough research to know that we run democracies over here).

They usually come 'hovering'.

But really, I’m sure Hollywood doesn’t give these guys enough credit. If they really are studying us closely or live amongst us and are well versed in our histories and mannerism then running us over won’t be so violent and difficult.
The Colonialists and the Spanish expeditions proved one thing during the highest points of their powers; Come bearing gifts.

If an alien race were intent on invading our planet, I’d suggest they come bearing valuable, never seen before gifts that distinguish them or give them a semblance of being a superior race. Gifts that we as the presumed primitive race will find awesome and earth shattering (remember when Oba Dosunmu was given a mirror for the first time).

Mr. Green could learn a thing or two from me.

I don’t know what would be more enamoring than this sort of gesture.

Imagine an alien race showing up at the White house and offering Obama a mysterious device that allows him to make sure all the GOP candidates turn to Frogmen once they mount the stage for a debate, or giving Angela Merkel a device that allows her to shut the Greek up while they accepted any form of austerity measures pushed upon them.
Respectively, these world leaders would give anything to posses such capabilities at this point in time, they just won’t say it out loud.

To make it a little bit more trivial, imagine an average guy being offered a device that muted his girlfriend anytime she started nagging or a father coming into possession of a device that made his daft son academically intelligent but morally obedient at the same time without him putting in too much effort.

All the things I’ve mentioned above would place these individuals entirely in the debt of the invading species and yet, they never pulled out a vaporizer or had their mother ships send out blinding beams / pillars of light that barbecued every single thing in their path.

No doubt there will be the occasional resistance and introduction of rebel cells, but its nothing a slight abduction and probe insertion can’t fix, right?

What if the invaders were body snatchers?

A little cajoling along with the promise of physical feature enhancements would convince a lot of ladies easily; “let me take over your body, I promise I’ll make you have a larger ass/ a nice rack/ light skin/ pretty face”. So sure this will work considering a lot of women go through far more dangerous extents to achieve ‘the look’.

So maybe Hollywood already have a TV show that flirts with this same MO, I’m not sure if its so popular (its called ‘V’).

I’m just here, corroborating the idea. Or what would you prefer? Big explosions with alien drones flying over head, shooting off laser beams, or a bloodless negotiation based on what you believe to be your terms.

I don’t know about you guys but I’d give them anything for Kelly, Tiwa, Halle and Jessica Alba all at the same time.

Hope I’m not being too greedy.

Pictures, courtesy of: readermojo.deiantart.com , bigthink.com , hotmommasproject.wordpress.com