Hello guys. Griffin here.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about life, in a whole lot of ways. From the conception of a child to death itself.
But strikingly I’ve been thinking (not in a morbid way) about death. Its the culmination, the moment of apotheosis if I may say.
But I want to focus on those final moments before the light goes out. Before the last breath is taken.
To imagine in different ways what it could possibly be like.
I know its a pretty uncomfortable topic of discussion, but I’m sure most of us know pretty well that death in itself is inevitable. Not like I’m asking you all to consider death in the immediate future. I just want you to indulge me a bit, consider what those last moments could possibly be like.
We’ve heard stories of near death or out of body experiences where someone’s spirit was said to have left their bodies and most times travelled towards a light. Only for them to be reined back in again, apparently revived.
This time I’m just going to explore those final moments, with my imagination I’ll try to create/paint scenes that I hope will be vivid enough. Scenes I hope could give someone a sense of finality in this mysterious race called life. What could have been going through the thoughts of a loved one as their body gave off its last breath?
I’m starting off with something personal to me…..
She lay in the back seat of the car as her nephew cradled her head in his palms, trying to catch her attention. It was difficult to focus on the sound of his voice, it was one she had gotten used to.
One she perceived as part of the background noise, nothing out of the ordinary.
Yet, he kept talking, he sounded frantic, desperate and scared, she didn’t understand why.
It was difficult to stay awake, her eyes had become heavy, rigged with weights her eyelids were unaccustomed to. It didn’t feel like anything she had felt before but it felt peaceful. Everything else didn’t seem to matter, the pain, the sadness, the loneliness…it was all gone.
She was leaving it all behind.
If only they knew. Her focus shifted from her nephew to her sister-in-law in the passenger seat. Her gaze was on the road but between seconds she kept on glancing to the back seat. Her eyes held no hope, only fear.
Barely minutes ago they had been talking about their children, discussing futures and dreams of grandchildren.
It felt surreal.
Not to her, she felt disconnected. At peace. The pain and loneliness was truly gone. There was no desire to hang on like her nephew was saying she should. His voice didn’t impose it. Not like she wanted it to, there was no connection.
She thought of her children, far away, hopefully happy, with their father. He had been with them far more than she had. Her guilt never left her for leaving them when they needed her the most, and now she felt the least needed. She knew they would soldier on. The worst was past them, she had come back at the right time and urged them on when they needed her the most.
The 3 of them. Beautiful just as she had dreamed as they would be when she was just a child. Just like her own mother had her own; 2 boys and one girl. Beautiful.
Now she knew they would be just fine. She had hopes for all of them. Their dreams were her’s.
The feelings were distant now, they were becoming a memory, a gentle feeling that could have been warm.
Between near closing eyes, she stared at her nephew, his eyes had become watery with tears. She wanted to tell him not to worry, not to cry, that she felt perfectly fine. Perfectly at peace, that the car didn’t need to move so fast. Everything would be fine.
She thought about all those she loved, all those she had lost. They would all be fine, the light assured her.
She heard the car stop, but it wasn’t from within the car. She saw the hospital, a storey building, the car had pulled up to the front, her sister-in-law had run into the building screaming for help, she wanted to tell her there was no need.
In minutes she saw her body being wheeled in, doctors and nurses by her side checking for vitals. She wanted to smile but her present form held no expression, just a ghostly whiteness.
She knew there would be tears, pain and loss. As she drifted towards the light that embraced, she prayed they would heal, that the pain and emptiness would not be long.
It was all she could do, but now she felt peace, the worry had become barely fleeting.
But she still prayed. That they may live, that they may die.
Everyone deserves to die.